


you like pain (but only if it doesn't hurt too much)

by nanialbee9



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, Found Family, I don't think it's angst, Injury, Injury Recovery, Trauma, but it does deal with trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26971825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanialbee9/pseuds/nanialbee9
Summary: Ava heals quickly, thanks to the power of the Halo. But, does she really?
Relationships: Shotgun Mary & Ava Silva, Sister Beatrice & Sister Camila & Sister Lilith & Shotgun Mary & Ava Silva, Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva, Sister Camila & Ava Silva, Sister Lilith & Ava Silva
Comments: 14
Kudos: 143





	1. to the path of least resistance

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song "Wake Up" by my gal Alanis Morissette

"Why do we have to _climb_ a mountain?"

It's been three weeks since the incident in the Vatican, and Ava's petulant whine reflects the general mood. They've been betrayed by the closest thing to a spiritual guide they had, everything they fought for turned out to be a farce, they detonated explosives in the Holy See, both the traitor and the false idol escaped (presumably), they don't know the fate of Mother Supirion, and they are all exhausted and injured. Not Ava, though. She'd healed a couple of days after the Vatican, the Halo had been depleted by the end of the fight and had no energy left to heal a badly injured and drained Halo Bearer. And even though the whine is on par with the youngest of their little group, the lethargy and lazy energy is not.

"It's hardly a hike, Ava. We just need to keep to paths that are as far away from main roads and clusters of people as possible." It's really not that big of a climb. In normal circumstances not one of them would find it challenging, least of all Ava, so eager to just be able to _walk_. But these are not normal circumstance they find themselves in. Their latest escape vehicle had died on them that morning, so they decided to walk the rest of the way to a safe place. Choosing not to call attention by _borrowing_ another transport. They've been walking for about two hours along an admittedly intimidating cliff that borders the sea below. Deciding early on their retreat to travel south of Italy, instead of the more predictable escape rout of going north, hoping to gain some time.

Beatrice eyes Ava after speaking. The Halo Bearer has been uncharacteristically quiet since they started going up the hill. She's been keeping to the less stable part of the path, furthest from the cliff and her earlier complaint the first she's spoken. It's concerning and Beatrice knows all of them would be more willing to confront Ava if there wasn't the pressing need to find shelter before nightfall.

She's hoping for a couple of days, so they can rest properly and evaluate their options. It was Camila, oddly enough, who chimed with the proposed safe house when Beatrice suggested maybe they should escape by going to the southernmost point and try to sail their way out of Italy from there, where hopefully no one would expect them to go. They know little about their destination, trusting Camila to take them to safety. Still, they are wary, they've been hopping from safe house to safe house since their escape. The first, a place Lilith's family owns but rarely visit anymore, was their longest refuge, five days of treating and healing the most pressing injuries. Since, they have stayed just the night in out-of-the-way hostels and with some of Mary's acquaintances, they've even camped a couple of times, not wanting to stall in their journey.

"It's not that far now, Ava." Camila consoles, but she's reassuring all of them. Her voice kind and soft, but lacking her usual chirpiness. They're all shaken by the latest events. Not to say there has not been some moments of levity: in Lilith's place they changed clothes and were all in a fit of giggles when Beatrice discovered her chosen outfit belonged mostly to Lilith's grandmother. There, they also cleaned and repaired as best they could their warrior gear, which each is carrying in their respective bags, the sword -Ava's sword- resting in the same duffle as Mary's shotguns and Camila's crossbow. Beatrice is carrying her knives, Camila's disguising her staff as a trekking pole, Mary has a concealed gun, Ava has her small knife and Lilith... well, Lilith's not carrying any weapon, but she can transform her hands into claws, so there's _that_.

Both Lilith and Ava grunt a response at the same time, it would be hilarious but Beatrice only manages a small quirk of her lips. And then it happens...

Ava twists a little to look at Lilith and trips, she's in no actual danger of falling off the cliff, of course, but the strangled, panicked gasping sound that comes out of her is upsetting. They all stop in protective stances, but it's Mary who's closest to Ava and offers a hand... to which Ava _flinches_. It's heartbreaking to see that reaction, because Beatrice knows for a fact that Ava adores Mary, looks up to her. And the horrified look on Mary's face is devastating. Where Ava looks confused by her own response, Mary looks like she understands, like just now she figured out. And if Beatrice didn't know better, she'd say Mary looks close to tears. "Ava", is more a whisper than speech what leaves Mary's lungs, but they all hear it, and the Halo Bearer just looks so lost.

Lilith picks Ava up and plants her on her feet then, shaking them out of the stunned moment, and starts them moving again. "Are you hurt?", Ava shakes her head, "Good, let's keep going the sun is starting to set." She nudges Camila a little to lead the way, and their guide takes Ava's hand to pull her with them at the front, while Beatrice rest a supportive hand on Mary's arm, and they take the rear. All of this in silence. Five minutes later they can see the cottage-like house just down the hill. The trek is now down, but it's starting to feel like a climb.


	2. 'Cause it's easy not to (so much easier not to)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group recovers in Camila's "mystery shack" and some conversations are had.

Lilith is attuned to her surroundings even though her brow is lifted in amusement at watching Camila fumble around trying to find a way in this safe house she, herself, suggested. Beatrice has tried valiantly to coerce an explanation out of her about whose house this is and how does Camila know about it... and  _ why  _ is she having trouble opening the door. But for all that Camila looks to the world like a soft and naive young woman, she's surprisingly mischievous and is pretty good at keeping secrets. Lilith doubts they'll ever know anything about this place, and honestly? it's irrelevant. They just need a place to stay the night, they're not here on vacation.

"Aha!" A triumphant Camila reappears from behind an enormous plant pot with a key and a huge grin on her face. She promptly turns and proceeds to open the door, cautiously, like she doesn't know what to expect. If it weren't for the war Lilith knows they must fight soon, she'd be driving herself crazy over this mystery. After a quick yet meticulous inspection, Camila turns back again with a smile and invites them in with a flourish, taking Ava's hand in hers again to pull her inside. While Mary stomps after them, Lilith surveys the area around the cabin openly now and catches Beatrice doing the same. The two share a look and a nod, confirming nothing is out of order. They're safe here.

"It's cold" Ava shudders and her voice is a little coarse, but she's rooted to the spot where, presumably, Camila let go of her hand, busy finding... something. It  _ is  _ cold inside the structure. There's a hum and then lights are turning on and Lilith can feel the temperature starting to regulate. But Ava is also just probably exhausted. She's been overcompensating for her rapid healing by trying to do all the chores for them along their trip. Lilith turns her eyes from studying the interior of the house to focus on the Halo Bearer, she is trying to suppress another shudder and looks like she'd fall on her face if she's not presented with a bed soon.

"You should take a hot shower, if possible, while we figure something for dinner. Then we all need a good night's sleep." Beatrice is placing a comforting hand on Ava's back, near the Halo. Lilith suspects she's checking if it's active by feeling its heat. The Halo is always hot, Lilith knows -she knows all there is to know, theoretically, about this holy artifact she was supposed to get- unless it's either depleted or broken the Halo is always warm. Beatrice's behavior could be mistaken as overbearing, but it is odd to see Ava so still while conscious. She's always fidgeting, moving, talking; there's constant excited energy about her. And even though the Halo is not there to cure Ava of sleepiness. Ava is like an energetic child high on sugar, she's always vibrating, fighting sleep like she refuses to waste a second not living, then she's out like a switch went off. There's never this subdued preamble. Lilith suspects there's more than just physical exhaustion at play. Maybe she's also emotionally drained. After all, Ava has gone from traumatic event to traumatic event with barely a moment to breathe, and she's the only one who has not been prepared for this.

"Here, you take this room, it has an adjacent bathroom. There's another one down that hall if anyone wants to use it first. I'll start in the kitchen." Camila guides Ava to a cozy-looking room and points at a door, that's presumably the bathroom, and at a chest of drawers, presumably for towels and other toiletries. And then points in the direction of a hall. Mary wordlessly takes the chance to be the first in that other bathroom and Lilith decides then to follow Camila to the kitchen. Beatrice lingers a little longer in the room with Ava, before joining the cooking efforts.

"Are you alright?" Lilith hears Beatrice ask, voice low. She doesn't hear Ava's response, but she can picture her, nodding and smiling back. The smile would be tight-lipped and small, but genuine. Half an hour later finds Lilith almost walking into Beatrice, who's on her way to check on Ava, still not surfacing from her shower, while Camila and now Lilith had successfully cleaned up after Mary in the bathroom down the hall.

"You go wash up, I'll check on her" Lilith stops Beatrice with a hand on her shoulder. Her sister hesitates, eying the door of the room they left Ava in, so Lilith puts a little more pressure in her hold, gentle, but firm. "Go, I've got her." Beatrice looks her in the eyes then and nods with a smile before she goes to get her bag and heads to the other bathroom. Hand in the doorknob Lilith hesitates, knocks softly, angling her head, so she can listen better into the room. Nothing. She knocks again, a tad more firmly this time. Still nothing. So she opens the door, trying not to panic, and almost smiles. Ava is sprawled in the middle of the bed, face down, snoring softly.

She managed to shower and change into comfortably looking sweatpants and a t-shirt. Feet bare, but there are some colorful socks on the floor near the side of the bed. Lilith guesses Ava sat down to clad her feet in the fuzzy material but gave in to the softness of the mattress. Lilith debates if she should wake her up to eat something or let her sleep. She decides on the latter and closes the distance to throw a blanket that's neatly folded at the foot of the bed over the sleeping girl. She briefly checks Ava's face for any sign of distress but finds none and exits closing the door behind her quietly.

When she reenters the kitchen is met with twin questioning looks from Camila and Mary. "She fell asleep", she lets them know and sits at the table, where they all wait for Beatrice to return. It's just a couple of minutes later when she enters and surveys the room, clearly looking for Ava, but before she can voice her question Lilith repeats: "She's sleeping."

"Should we let her sleep without eating something?"

"If Ava 'the foodie', herself, decided to crash before eating, then she must be really fucking tired. Let her rest, and let  _ us  _ eat something before she wakes and stuffs her face with everything edible in this house of mystery." Mary throws a wink at Camila -who flushes but also giggles- and starts their meal by taking the first bite, to which Lilith tsks and Beatrice frowns. Mary's chewing slows when she sees the disapproving looks she's getting from all three sisters. Rolls her eyes and deliberately swallows with difficulty, like she didn't get to chew her food properly. Then she extends her arms, palms up, waiting. Camila smiles and takes one of her offered hands. Beatrice tries to hide a smirk while doing the same with the other, then taking Lilith's, who takes Camila's, closing the praying circle.

"Let's say thanks for this dinner before  _ stuffing  _ our faces with it, shall we?." Beatrice lifts a challenging brow, which makes Mary roll her eyes again.

Dinner is a quiet affair, they decided to establish a sort of guarding schedule for the night, while Mary cleans the table, and she and Lilith do the dishes. Camila offers to take the first turn, admitting she's still a little charged with nervous energy. Beatrice is quick to take the second turn, surely worried Ava might wake in the middle of the night either hungry or plagued by nightmares. Lilith considers taking the last turn, citing her early riser nature, but Mary asks for it, and there's that. Before sliding to her room for the night, Lilith spies Beatrice sneakily checking on Ava, and she can't help the little twitch up of her lips, before compensating for it with a huff and a roll of her eyes.

Lilith estimates there's still a little less than an hour left in her watch when she feels Mary coming to take her turn. She looks rested, at least, but Lilith knows her well, she knows the altercation with Ava the day before weighs heavy. She sees as the older woman forgoes any greeting, favoring her first doses of caffeine over pleasantries. It makes Lilith smile.

"Good morning."

"Morning." It's a grunt that resembles a response.

"You're up early." This time there's no verbal reply, but a shrug. So Lilith hums, lets the silence wrap around them for a couple of minutes, while Mary drinks her coffee, then: "Do you want to talk about it?"

Mary sighs, she figures if anyone could understand her predicament, Lilith would. After all, the girl did attempt to forcibly remove the Halo from a terrified Ava. And Mary knows there have to be talks about all of these constant traumas they've been living through in such a short amount of time. She was hoping later, after they defeat Adriel and the bastard traitor, but seeing Ava's reaction... Mary knows at least some conversations need to happen now.

"Are you going to talk about your trip to hell?" Mary lifts a challenging brow.

"Eventually." Is Lilith's gracious response, so Mary sighs again, pours two cups of coffee, and sits down next to Lilith, offering one of the hot mugs. Lilith takes it with a nod for thanks and promptly places it on the table next to her.

"After you were taken..." She swallows a lump, looks at Lilith, realizes this is one of the traumas they have lived, realizes it's also a trauma for  _ her,  _ to have had seen her friend taken by the tarask in such a violent way. But Lilith has soft dark eyes focused on her and nods an encouragement to go on. It's enough, for now. "After Ava fled the scene, I followed her, she was trying to hide in the mountains, or maybe she just ran and found herself there."

"Most likely." Lilith interrupts with a smile. Mary snorts.

"Yeah. I found her, she was frantic, but she helped me with my bump leg when she noticed I was hurt. Then she left again. I found her once more, this time sitting at the edge of a cliff, she was... She looked so done. And then she said to me 'I just want to be normal' and, Lil, I don't know what happened, I saw  _ red _ . I lost Shannon, you and this kid who was brought back to life was whining because she wanted to have some fun?" Lilith's face shifts the tiniest bit, she's not meant for it to be noticed and she hides it well and fast. But Mary saw, Mary  _ always sees _ . "I know! I know it's more complicated than that, but at that moment? I was raw and I just...  _ I kicked her off the cliff  _ ."

"Because you knew she was going to survive it without a single scar." Lilith tries to reason after a short pause, assimilating Mary's words.

"Of course! But I also knew she was going to feel every single one of her broken bones, that those would take a couple of minutes to heal and the pain would be there and very real."

"Mary, I tried to kill her, literally. We knew the risk of removing the Halo from her and I still tried to do it."

"Ok... Right. But you did talk to her after you came back from  _ literally  _ saving her life."

"Maybe you should talk to her, then." Lilith concludes, shrugging. She's not so sure her conversation with Ava at ArqTech was enough, though she supposes it was something. She stands, ready to try and rest a little before she drags Beatrice and Camila to do some shopping if they're to follow Beatrice's intentions of staying a few days to recover. "And, Mary" she waits for her friend to look at her, to lift her eyes from the floor, before continuing: "you must have done right by her, it's clear she looks up to you." With that she squeezes Mary's shoulder and retreats, leaving Mary alone with her thoughts.

It's around eight in the morning when Mary hears Ava get up. She's busing herself in the kitchen, putting together something for breakfast while they wait for the others to get back from their shopping trip. She knows Ava is going to be hungry. She's actually fond of Ava's love for things people normally take for granted, and her love of food is endearing, she enjoys even the simplest of dishes like they're some exquisite French cuisine, makes Mary wonder what was she fed at that goddamn orphanage.

She feels Ava's weight on her side and smiles. Ava is a hugger, they have all come to accept this. Mary and Beatrice have a debate going on about it, Bea thinks is because Ava's new capacity for tact, for feeling, makes her eager to touch everything all the time. Mary thinks Ava was so deprived of touch and care she constantly needs to have it now. Camila has taken this with open arms and is happy to make a show of returning Ava's hugs. Beatrice has come to enjoy them openly as well. Lilith pretends to be disgusted and makes a drama about unsuccessfully trying to shrug Ava off as if it was a challenge for her to avoid the hug. And Mary rolls her eyes, but always receives the affection and makes sure Ava can feel her returning it. 

Today her hands are both busy, so she compromises by lifting her left arm so Ava's shoulders are under it and rest her head over Ava's for a moment. Reveling in Ava's sleepy warmth. Normally Ava's hugs are quick, but when she's tired she tends to just kind of  _ rest  _ on them as if she can't hold herself up. So Mary figures Ava must still be half asleep.

"Good morning, kid. Slept well?" She gets a mumbled grunt against her shirt that resembles a "morning" and a nod. Mary waits for a second but realizes Ava is not going to move, so she rearranges their position so the food is taken care of while the prolonged hug lasts. When the small 'pre' breakfast is almost ready to eat she prompts: "Are you gonna eat standing or do you think you could place some plates on the table for both of us?", her tone teasing and laughing a little at Ava's distraught whine. "Move, I know you're hungry!"

Ava does kind of place some cutlery, plates, and glasses on the table. Mary rolls her eyes and gets some cold water and napkins. They eat in comfortable silence and it makes Mary a little more confident about confronting Ava, but she decides to wait for after they finish the food. Predictably Ava devours everything edible in reach.

"Thanks!"

"No problem. Now, help me clean up before the others get home."

"Where are they?"

"Went shopping." Mary shrugs. They start the chore quietly. "So... I think we need to talk." She can see Ava tense a little beside her, sees a bit of fear when she turns to look at Mary with those damned puppy eyes of hers.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why did that."

"Hey, you don't have to apologize, ok?" Mary waits for Ava to nod. "And I do know why you reacted the way you did, Aves. That's why we need to talk about it."

"Is it because of the cliff thing? After Lilith was taken?" She's timid, which is just  _ wrong  _ for Ava.

"See? I knew you were smart!" Mary hopes to let Ava know she's safe to have this conversation. And it seems to have worked, too.

"Jerk!"

"I kicked you off a cliff "

"But you knew I was going to be fine. Mary..." But Mary interrupts.

"I knew that. I also knew you were going to feel every injury and be in a lot of pain. I wanted you to hurt, Ava. And I am so sorry about that. I never want you to be in pain, ever again. I promise you."

"I know, Mary. I know. I trust you with my life. And, well, you were in pain, too. Right? You lost Lilith because of me and... and Shannon died and I got her Halo..."

"Hey, that's not an excuse for what I did. You have zero responsibility in Shannon's death or in getting the Halo. And Lilith chose to sacrifice herself for you. Sure, you were being a little shit, but you always are."

The delivery is deadpan and maybe because of that Ava can't stop the laugh that explodes from her. She shoves Mary a little. The girl has tears silently running down her cheeks and Mary's heart aches. "Seriously, though. You've been through a lot for a very long time, Ava. I want you to know that you can talk about any of that at any time with me, and I know for a fact that the others would be there for you as well. You're not alone anymore, kid. You've got yourself a family."

"Thank you. I... I didn't know that was something that was bothering me. The cliff thing, I mean. I've been so grateful for being able to just  _ feel _ . I didn't even care that what I was feeling was pain."

"And you thought you deserved it?" Mary guesses after she notices Ava's slight doubt about her own feelings. And she knows she's nailed it when she sees Ava's reaction to it. "You did not. Ava, you did not deserve to be kicked off a cliff, or to be hunted down or feeling the fear of losing the Halo." She doesn't add the part where losing the Halo could mean losing her life or at the very least her mobility. She doesn't need to they're all very aware of it.

Ava accepts Mary's words but stays quiet, contemplating. Mary wonders if maybe her comments clash with whatever Ava was told at the orphanage. Mary doesn't know the details, but she got enough to know Ava's time there was terrible. She suspects Ava was abused, emotionally, and maybe even physically. She knows it's maybe too much for now, but she needs to make Ava understand that whatever she was told in that awful place is not ok.

"I don't know what they told you in the orphanage, Ava. But whatever it was you need to forget it and listen to us, got it?" A few more tears fall from Ava's eyes, but she smiles and nods.

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I've been thinking a lot about this. It actually started with Supergirl and Kara, but it was Ava who sparked the epiphany. [I ranted over at Tumblr](https://nieladasdenani.tumblr.com/post/631646387736543232/its-rant-time-ok-so-i-keep-thinking-about-ava) about this, but I realized I forgot this detail. (You absolutely do not have to read that tediously long rant: It's about trauma and how different people cope differently but society kind of only accept certain types of coping to be related to actual trauma and how maybe that makes people see Ava's -and Kara's, to an extent- coping process as "she's not in that much pain if she's goofing around" sort of vibe) But then I was reading a fic and I realized that we never talk about how their (Kara and Ava's) capability to heal so quickly maybe robs them of the proper process of actually healing? I mean, injury is not only a physical trauma... So, anyway, this came out of it :)


End file.
